Migration Story- Part 1

From Singapore to Kolkata

I returned from Singapore to India in 2022. It was a migration journey fraught with many noughts and crosses. In this post I’m sharing a little bit of the back and forth that happened with the help of a few friends and family. There were many moments and great meals along the way which made me feel more loved and comfortable. Some days were great, others ok and some days not so good. 🙂 Nothing very different from most of the people around I presume. But it’s a refamiliarizing journey with a country and its people that I had just skimmed the surface of for the last 9-10 odd years since I left for the distant shores.

Lockdown blues baked and browned- a recap

I start off by remembering the love, support and kindness that many showed in 2020-2021. This was when I tried to share my simple home-cooked weekend meals and stories during a difficult period of the pandemic in Singapore. I got into cooking and baking – especially a lot of sourdough breads and cakes. Sometimes, I shared these with my friends and neighbours and over time some of them started placing orders. One of my friends pushed me to start a whatsapp group where weekend menus were shared in advance. I would do a bit of promo on social media, take the orders, plan the groceries accordingly, get into the kitchen and finally arrange for deliveries.

My full-time domestic helper was enthusiastic at first, but it was back-breaking work to be honest. And she went through her own cycle of managing her family back in the Philippines during the lockdown with many people falling sick.

Hubris over Heroic Husband who Helped me Exit

All this happened with not much encouragement from my husband. In fact, he constantly chided my efforts and derided my progress however tiny it may have been. I put in every little penny I earned into the household running expenses and frankly I didn’t make a loss. Made a tiny profit towards the end but it took a toll on my health. At one point I was left crippled and debilitated with extreme psoriatic arthristis which I battled through 8 painful months in 2021-2022. I wanted to expand with a partner and proper equipment/space but got no support from him. Being a foreigner with a dependent visa and an unsupportive husband was playing on a very sticky wicket.

He just kept saying- “You do this and that- do everything on your own. I can’t really help you. I have bigger shit to handle“. God knows what that was- because I never saw anything. Saw him busy reconnecting with old “friends” narrating and singing once again his own lyrics of “my way or the highway”. As his wife, I was left with a tepid acknowledgement of “you are free to go whichever way you please”. So, I tried various routes at first. Then I took the exit road with not much left to say or do. Oh yeah, also heard more excuses and taller tales of being concerned/caring. Somehow, I must be proud of his valiant attempts to undermine all my efforts as there is no accountability at his end.

Therapists kindly helped him to redefine marriage as “codependent relationship”. So, we must all be independent but yet be in a relationship it seems. Hmmm…wonder how that works? Anyone cares to explain this shit to me in an interconnected, interdependent world of people and machines?

Farewell in Tiong Bahru over a Peranakan Meal

My friendly neighbours in Tiong Bahru gave me a fond farewell with a Peranakan buffet meal. This featured a little bit of this and that of some of my favourite dishes. We remembered all the good times shared across many heartfelt sessions of baking, afternoon tea and meals during the lockdown period. This was when our partners were all too busy to spend time with us and frankly, we were sick of them too! If you are not allergic to seafood and have a taste for something different- do try Peranakan meals as they tend to blend flavours and ingredients from Malay, Chinese and Indian cooking in a very unique way. One of my favourite dishes is Ayam buah keluak which uses the black nuts very unique to this part of the world. Indonesian cuisine is also very similar to Malaysian food- though in my personal opinion lighter and better. 🙂

This is best enjoyed in a big group over a more leisurely lunch/dinner so that everyone can try the dishes together and share their own ideas about what they like or dislike.

Nonya sweets are also well known which often use a mix of coconut or coconut milk, rice flour, gula melaka (coconut palm sugar) and pandan leaves in some shape or form. I am generalising- there are many different varieties and it’s nice to try some of them. They remind me of the traditional “peethes” that I have grown up eating a lot in Eastern India.

Personally, I think our Indian desserts and sweets have much more variety and taste. But they do tend to be higher in sugar content and calories. It’s always a tricky balance. I tend to put lesser sugar than average. That sometimes does not go too well with the traditional Indian palate (especially kids). 🙂

Back to my hometown in Kolkata

I returned home and narrated the situation to my in-laws. I shared with them my challenges and troubles over a meal. My mother-in-law is always happy to cook and I was meeting her after a long time. I got some more advice from them on why I didn’t try to get a job in India, why I don’t try to earn some more money and how I should take care of my health. There wasn’t much implicated on what their son should do instead of everything being piled on back in my court. Yes, I am a faulty money-making machine – that’s all I’m afraid. Time to dispose off the tag of “Griha Lakshmi” and “Mata Annapurna” which were bestowed kindly once upon a time. We do love sweet words, don’t we? Especially those which come with empty hands and promises. 🙂

So yeah, circling back…I have very kind and supportive in-laws. My father-in-law even went to the extent of asking me to go date and find another man perhaps! That’s the extent of washing off their hands after a fishy meal and conversation. I left wondering what that means. Are these elders proposing a new concept of an “open marriage”? My simple heart was left aghast and my mind dumbfounded.

I guess, they couldn’t do much any which ways with their pig-headed only son who decides to walk out on every wife saying, “It’s my life- I’m the princely saint redefined”. I lasted pretty long in comparison to his previous two wives. So, I guess I deserved that annual bonus of a great send-off meal! 🙂

Meeting my tragedy queen mother

I stayed at my mother’s place in Kolkata and we have a love-hate relationship, to put it mildly. She declared that I have got myself into a terrible mess. That she understands my problems and she has many useful tips on how I should lead a better life. She has offered multiple times to come and run my household. I’m afraid at 40+ years, that doesn’t quite work for me. But I really appreciated that heartfelt offer. She cooked some of her classics. I love her home made idli and dosa. She learnt to make from her friends and neighbours when we lived in a mining colony in Orissa. It was simpler days and times then when everyone cooked at home and loved to send some food/meals to others. We have this joke of aunties with a sugar bowl saying “Cheeni khatam ho gaya hai” (sugar has finished) to come borrow some, gossip some and connect with others. It’s actually just a way of being friendly with your neighbours. When you send something home-cooked in a dish, your neighbour sends back with another dish and then you exchange a few notes or stories. But those were simpler times I guess.

Trip to the hills- Kurseong

I left with my mother and brother for a trip to Kurseong in the northern part of Bengal. Did some basic planning guided by my friends in Kolkata. Special shoutout to the ever resourceful and knowledgeable Avirup Guha Roy, an old friend who I have been following on social media for many years and try to meet whenever I am in Kolkata. I am especially fond of his diligent and stunning coverage of Pujas in Kolkata and wildlife photography around India.

This was our first family trip after ages and the cooler weather there helped us breathe a little better. There was already a lot of tension and anxiety over an uncertain future. My brother who usually doesn’t come for any of the family trips agreed. So, I was happy about that as well.

We stayed at the Allita resort in Kurseong and explored the neighbouring villages. The staff was helpful in arranging for the car and driver to do some local sightseeing. There wasn’t much to do but the green hills, the tea-gardens, the visit to a few Tibetan monasteries and some great food helped. Special memories of the ambience, the view and that afternoon tea at Margaret’s Deck Tea Lounge and a day trip to Mirik lake with some walking around and boating.

The next chapter is about my Journey from East to West (Kolkata to Mumbai). Coming up Migration Story Part 2…