Picking up the long overdue thread from Migration Story- Part 1 ,
I continue to narrate the travels and travails in my Migration Story with food, conversations, research and team building.
Migration Story from Kolkata to Mumbai
After my trip to Kurseong, I decided to go for a Vipassana meditation course for 10 days. Luckily, I got through a volunteering slot in their main center at Igatpuri which is in Maharashtra. I have done a few of the 10-day silent meditation retreats before as well. This was my fourth attempt. These retreats have been beneficial for me to calm myself in moments of extreme stress and anxiety. Silent meditation helped in my process of centering to achieve a certain level of clarity and peace. However, I have struggled when I have come out of the retreats and tried to do it regularly in the “real world”.
Here’s a link to the Dhamma website for those who are interested to know more about Vipassana meditation philosophy, tools and techniques. I confess, I find it hard when only one person is trying for peace while others do not work on it. Silence is not something which helps others at all times.
I went to Igatpuri via Mumbai and managed to catchup with a few friends in the process. It was good to have their encouragement to try out a new career path and improve my health. This was what was foremost on my mind then. My friend and I visited an old haunt in Prithvi theater in Bandra to have their Irish coffee. We managed to get some good food from Mahesh Lunch Home too, which is another favorite. Good memories and good times shared, although memories of Mumbai traffic in monsoons still haunts me! It is enough to breakdown any Vipassi yogi’s peace at times. 🙂
Migration Story- Retreating to Silent meditation
The process of getting to Dhamma Giri in Igatpuri was difficult because their website was not very user friendly. But some of the volunteers there helped to guide me over a period of time. They are slower in responding- since they work on multiple requests with limited resources. Makes sense to plan much in advance.
I was also not too familiar with the local bus and train schedules. So I took a direct taxi while going. Igatpuri is considered by many as a main center for the Vipassana Dhamma disciples. It is treated as a “pilgrimage” spot for many though honestly, it’s not so much related to a religious idea. Dhamma is more of a concept for a way of living and a path towards healing the body and mind. Or that’s how I experienced it. I was truly excited as I had heard a lot about it and had never managed to get a spot.
It helped me to heal as well from all the pain inflicted upon me by my husband, in-laws and my mother. All of them were unhappy with my decision to move while doing nothing to help me stay in Singapore. They did not understand how I was systematically beaten up for every effort of mine. Gaslighted when I dared to question, then forced to move out with two suitcases in hand and a handbag of medicines.
I was still in pain and under medication for my psoriatic arthritis. (Read more about that in the About Me section). I decided to wean off the medication slowly. The walks around the campus and the silent meditation helped. Being able to be of service to others and being surrounded by a lot of loving people also helped.
Migration Story- Yoga, Panchakarma and Dietary Changes
Honestly, I have been unable to find answers to many of my questions. What are the next steps? Where should I go? What should I do? How can I earn a living? My poor health and unemployment have been repeatedly brought up by my husband and in-laws. I have acknowledged this and have strived to move in a more positive direction, despite feeling lost, stressed, and unloved. How can one’s health improve when they must manage everything alone, without income, housing, support, care, or love from their family?
I moved to Bangalore with two suitcases and a heart full of hope. It was a familiar city where I had lived and worked before relocating to Singapore to join my husband. Upon my return, I discovered much had changed, presenting a completely new world to me.
An old friend in Bangalore reconnected me with our former yoga teacher, who had significantly aided me in weight loss, mobility improvement, and thought management. Following my yoga teacher’s recommendation, I visited the Sivananda Yoga Ashram near Neyyar Dam. The Panchakarma treatment I received there greatly contributed to my healing process. For more information about the ashram and its programs, please visit their website.
During a stressful time, shopping for fresh ingredients and cooking were of great help to me. I found joy in wandering through my neighborhood and engaging in simple cooking, which served as a stress reliever. Typically, I prepared a large quantity of a dish, sufficient for several meals. This practice was economical, gave me control over my diet, and contributed to my well-being. Gradually, it aided in the recovery of my gut and immune system. Sharing the meals with fellow guests at the Airbnb apartment also brought me joy.
Migration Story- Reconnecting with ex-colleagues, batchmates and managers
In the initial few months of my stay in Bangalore, I reconnected with many of my older colleagues, batchmates and friends – whoever I could. Sometimes over a meal or two to get their help and advice.
When I would feel very restless or dejected, I went on long walks and rewarded myself with a meal in a restaurant recommended by friends. But usually, it’s much more fun to be able to share it with others! Such occasions are not too often alas. 🙂
I went house hunting with many rounds of painful dealing with brokers, real estate agents and landlords who refused to even talk to me. What added to the confusion was that I had no clue about my husband’s plans. That doesn’t help with the budget, location or duration of tenancy agreements. I found out that there was a bias against single women, non-vegetarians and those who did not come with employment contracts with established companies. I generalize but many may find it to be true when they actually do the work themselves.
When I reached out to a few friends to share my situation and ask for more help, I learnt a lot. Most of those conversations were non-starters for any work or support in housing. But sharing helped me to connect and understand their situation as well. The path ahead seemed daunting and I had to be really patient.
Migration Story- The painful stressful part of finding some work
It was a long, hard and stressful period with a few bright spots in between. I tried to get my husband to come to Bangalore to see if he could find the place suitable for us to move back to, in India.
After multiple rounds of reaching out, one of my ex-bosses suggested a project to help me find my feet on the ground. While it wasn’t exactly what I had in mind- I thought it might be a starting point.
It took a while to work out the project details. I took up a pro-bono project for a friend to keep me engaged in the meantime.
His family in Gujarat runs a small dairy based business. He suggested that I help with the brand building, and I thought that would help me to feel connected to work. I had missed that for a long time. After initial briefing, work started with online discussions and stakeholder interviews through calls and emails. It was a little challenging at first and I struggled with the rudimentary set up in the Airbnb apartment. But some progress was made.
Migration Story- The painful stressful dealing with my silent husband
Unknown to me, as I was engaged in all these activities, my husband and in-laws were scheming behind my back. I had been allocated a Day 3 slot to meet with him and discuss our present or future plans. During a meal, I opened up about my circumstances to my husband, yet he showed no interest.
I noticed he was always on his phone, chatting with someone or talking to others, while I was grappling with significant adult challenges. He sent a pre-recorded romantic song via WhatsApp, which kindled a bit of hope in me that perhaps he still harbored feelings. He mentioned he was attending a reunion and would return to see me afterward. It seemed he preferred to enjoy himself and steer clear of any serious discussions. Thus, I decided not to press the matter and thought I’d wait until after the reunion to have the conversation.
After the reunion, I cooked a meal in my small AirBnb apartment, hoping for a chance to talk and reconnect. Yet, he appeared more distant, his mind on joining others for fun and making a swift departure. I tried to maintain a smile throughout.
His leaving brought a realization of something wrong and disconcerting about the situation. Weary from trying to communicate with someone so elusive, I suggested seeing a lawyer to resolve our issues. It was evident that I needed help to progress in our communication. Then, things accelerated. I had to decide on a house, arrange for banking accounts migration, tickets to Singapore, and prepare for a research trip to Gujarat.
His prompt agreement to consult a lawyer and his request to communicate directly with them caught me off guard. (Note: My husband, already twice divorced, seemed more adept at handling such matters. His assurance made me feel supported in some way). The lawyer had mentioned that counseling would be a part of the process of mediation. Unable to handle multiple issues, I proceeded with my planned trip to Gujarat to advance my project.
Migration Story- A Small Passion Project in a small town in Gujarat
The work involved understanding the day-to-day operations with the family owners and the team there. A bit of direct consumer research was involved which I enjoyed.
Talking to the villagers there and getting the support from them helped boost my confidence to take more steps. I also enjoyed walking around the villages and improving my health further.
I enjoyed a lot of the local home-cooked vegetarian meals and also tried to work with the team in putting together some basic understanding of what was working for them and hence needed to be strengthened. One of the learnings I had was how such small enterprises build a brand name and reputation by being very diligent with product quality and cost control. This is difficult at times to manage and quite difficult to scale-up. And new innovative products introduction is key to keep the business relevant in the niche that they operate in. Keeping the team together especially through changes in staffing was critical at that point.
Migration Story- Sharing a sweet ending with a family recipe sharing
While I was working on the project in Gujarat with limited connectivity, I got a series of emails and messages from my husband and the lawyer. I realized he had swiftly called and finalized with the lawyers to set up dates for filing for a “mutual consent divorce” with zero liability towards him. He pushed me to send the documents over to the lawyers while I was still reeling from the shock and working hard on managing the project timelines. I was quite lost at why and how things had escalated to that end suddenly.
While I buried myself at work and cried through the nights, I tried to share my love with those around me. I shared my favorite kanchagolla sandesh recipe with them as a gesture of the love from my family’s kitchen to theirs. It was a simple celebration of my gut having healed somewhat so that I could consume dairy products (in moderation) after ages!
The recipe is given below for those who wish to try it. It’s not difficult but a little time consuming. It doesn’t need too many equipment which is great to try in any kind of kitchen setup. Of course, lots more fun to do it with friends and family and with people to share it. 🙂 It’s made with fresh cottage cheese so tends to go bad quickly. Best consumed within a day or two for maximum flavor and freshness.
Part of the work involved long conversations with their customers, help with team training and learning a bit more of the background and history of the place. It was mostly listening with empathy and recording- a bit of processing and creative visioning/articulation later. I was truly humbled and inspired by their story and felt encouraged to continue forward. I hope my little post captures some of the joys and pleasures of working with the Jangal Mangal Dairy team while connecting with the owners over a shared passion for food and cooking.
Footnote
While returning from the project on my flight back to Bangalore I got some more information that shook me up completely. I will share more in Migration Story- Part 3. Till then I leave with a note from a book gifted by a friend who is also fond of poetry and travel.
Some people may not understand the significance and language of love spoken through different acts of kindness. However, that of food cooked with love, shared with others and eaten with love is perhaps universal. Or so I thought.
Truly, we live with mysteries too marvelous
to be understood.
How grass can be nourishing in the
mouths of the lambs.
How rivers and stones are forever
in allegiance with gravity
while we ourselves dream of rising.
from Mysteries, Yes. Devotions by Mary Oliver
1. Other essences like screwpine essence can be used instead of vanilla essence.
2. Can use molasses instead of castor sugar for sweetening. Nolengur (datepalm sugar) is often used during winters to make "Nolengeurer Kanchagolla). If using datepalm sugar- we don't add the rose/vanilla essence.
3. Best quality full fat milk is recommended. Low fat milk will result in lesser yield of milk solids (cheese) and the taste will be different.
4. I got 9 small servings from 1 lt of milk
5. For those who are calorie conscious- each little dollop of kanchagolla has about 70-75 calories. 😛 Kanchagolla Sandesh
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Ingredients
Instructions
Notes
Here’s a short video of the making of Kanchagolla Sandesh. I tried to recreate it in my own tiny kitchen but I remember it was much more fun doing it with others. Hope some of you try it- with or without a bit of help from friends and family. 🙂
3 comments
I am so glad you found the time and courage to write about your migration story further.
Starting a new life must have felt daunting, like you’re moving up a hill with no sight of the peak. But, sometimes it’s worth it.
I don’t really want to judge and comment upon your husband because I don’t know him personally, but from your description, he sounds like a narcissist personality type. It’s only a matter of time before their extreme apathy towards everyone except themselves takes over every other aspect. I don’t want to sound hurtful, but I’m glad he forced you to get out of this relationship. It would only have taken more toll on your identity.
Eagerly waiting for more!
Thank you for your kind words. I am trying to get out of it to restore my identity. However, there are many challenges along the way. Unfortunately, I have little support from most people due to the societal misunderstanding and misogyny at various levels.
Trauma when it is dealt with alone with added responsibilities of elderly care and little to no income is challenging. I have left behind my entire life of 10+ years with encouragement from people who are actually no longer by my side.
The empathy seems to be more with people who remain silent in their suffering as long as they are earning, employed or with considerable wealth to be comfortably numb towards others pains or misery. That seems to be the prescribed viewpoint of what is the “right way” to behave.
Hope to share more. I try every day to wake up and face the mountain of tasks which stare at my face.
Sometimes some journeys we take are meant to be taken alone. Coming from a middle-class family where support from people around you has been conditional and available on mutual benefit, I understand your lament.
But, aren’t we mere co-passengers on out journey of life?
People who no longer are there – maybe your journey with them ended. But not to worry, more will become your co-passengers as you keep going.
Keep going, keep shining. I love your anecdote filled writeups!